Round 2, here we go!

I'm sitting here watching Giuliana & Bill (a show on E!)... if you don't know, they are a celebrity couple who has experienced fertility issues as well and are now pregnant using a surrogate after many unsuccessful IVF attempts and one successful attempt that ended in miscarriage. Watching their story is really emotional for me because I can totally relate to what they are feeling. Giuliana said (before the surrogate pregnancy), "Why are we being punished?" Sometimes it really does feel like that. The rational part of my brain knows that this isn't true, but there is still a part of you that feels you've done something wrong to deserve this.

In good news, I had an ultrasound yesterday and am scheduled for insemination tomorrow (Wednesday). Our doctor said my eggs and lining look great and he wouldn't change my medication at all. He reminded me that it really does take up to 3 times so I shouldn't be worried yet.

Not sure if I have mentioned this in a previous post, but I have a little superstition regarding our doctors. There are 3 doctors in our practice and I have now had all 3 for at least one procedure. When Dr. Awadalla did our procedure, it was the one time it worked, so I really wanted him to inseminate this time. Luckily the schedules worked out so he will be there tomorrow to actually do the procedure! Yay! I know its stupid but when you are in such an uncontrollable situation, you will look for anything to control :)

So we should know something in about 2 weeks. We will keep you posted!

Take 2

So our first attempt has been unsuccessful.

We are very disappointed and extremely sad. I'm not really sure what else to say at this point. I'm so tired of counting days, of alternating between hope and hopelessness. I'm just really tired of it all. But, on to round 2 we go. Should know again by the end of June. Thanks for everyone who is keeping us in your prayers.

The Waiting Game

Good morning! Just thought I would quickly post to let everyone know that insemination went smoothly last week. We thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers! We had a different doctor this time than we've ever had, Dr. Burwinkel. I told him he better be our lucky charm! It was a pretty emotional experience... just thinking about all the what ifs and praying so hard that it works. So now the waiting game is on. Burwinkel said we could take a home test as early as next Thursday. Once I have positive at home test, they will bring me in for a blood test. So that's really all that's going on now, we will absolutely let everyone know what's going on once we have had the blood test and gotten our numbers back!! Thanks for all your support -

It's about Time!

Hello everyone! I'm sorry it's been awhile since we've updated, but not much as really been going on...


I had a doctor's appointment today, however, and we have at least one good egg ready for insemination this weekend! I was on Clomid this month which helps ensure good, strong eggs. We are very excited but also super nervous. Our donor sperm arrived at the doctor's office today so we are truly ready to go.


Lots of you have asked us questions about choosing a donor, so here's the story in a nutshell. We used the sperm bank recommended by our fertility doctor. It's actually located in Virginia, it's not local. The bank is very reputable, only 1% of all applicants are actually accepted as donors. You can search donors online and look at tons of different physical and psychological qualities. Our first priority was blond hair and blue eyes, for obvious reasons. Beyond that, we also read the essay questions that each donor is asked. I have listed them below, with our donor's answers.


What is your most memorable childhood experience?
My most memorable childhood experience was playing baseball. I remember being part of a baseball team from the time I could swing a bat and up through elementary school. I was able to meet many friends, learn about sports, fitness, and team work, and also become part of a loving organization. It was a way for me to bond with all my friends and family members.


What immediate family member do you closely identify with and why?I closely identify with my father the most. He was always interested in sports, education, and everyone's overall well-being. We always seem to be on the same page and have similar thought processes. Having a good father figure while growing up has allowed me to remain close and identify with my father the most.
What character traits do you admire in an individual?I admire love in an individual the most. A person with love seems to be more relaxed, calm, and accepting. A person who loves their own life and the lives of others is a person I like to be around. The presence of love alone is satisfying and relieves stress and fear. I believe that with love come patience, serenity, peace, and pure happiness. I think that love is the root of many virtuous traits.

What is the funniest thing ever to happen to you? (this was an important question to us!)
One of the funniest things to happen to me would be when I was in a police station for a few hours. I was trying to sell my car and a foreign buyer sent me a check. It looked counterfeit so I took it to the bank to have them take a look at it. The bank teller thought I was the one who made the check and thought I was trying to cash it. She called the police and I spent a good time in the police station trying to make them understand that I was not part of the scam. After a while, they figured it out and let me go. Looking back now, it was a pretty funny incident!
If time and money were not an issue, where would you travel and why?
If I had the time and means to travel anywhere, I would like to go to all sorts of places. I would love to go to Scotland and Ireland to see the land and meet the people. I would go to England and visit museums and old artifacts. I would love to see Germany and see where so much recent history has taken place. France and Spain would be great to visit. I would also like to to visit Japan, China, and other Asian cultures to taste the food and find out why other people say it is so beautiful. It would be hard for me to pick only one place; I would like to see everything.
When and if you ever have children, what would you like to pass on to them?
If I ever have children of my own, the most important thing I want to pass on to them is the meaning and value of family. Having a solid and caring family creates a meaning for life. With a meaning for life, a person can be happy regardless of whatever else is happening. So the one thing I would pick most of all to pass down to my children and for them to pass down to theirs is the value of family. 
We were also able to view our donor's medical history and the history of siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Ours has a clean bill of health, of course :) 

We also had the option of buying pictures, but we aren't really interested in that. This is Chris' baby and we don't really care what the guy looks like. 


Many of you have asked us questions about the process, and we are happy to continue to answer them. Everyone has been so supportive, and we truly couldn't have done this without everyone's love. 




So now the scary part really begins. Another 2 week countdown. I am very scared it won't work this time. I know that it's very likely it won't - it usually takes 1-3 times. But I know deep down my heart is hoping that we will be pregnant this time. I think I will definitely need to grieve if that doesn't happen, but we will pick ourselves up and get ready for next time! 

A New Path

I know we haven't been updating on the blog lately, but the journey to parenthood has never been far from our minds. Over the past few months, we have been trying to decide what path is the best for us and our future family.

A few months ago, Chris and I were driving home and out of nowhere I said, "What about using a sperm donor?" This was not something that we had ever discussed. That night, we talked a little bit about it and thought it might be a good option if IVF didn't work for us this summer.

I couldn't get the thought out of my head though. I felt so much more comfortable with using a donor than with adoption. If we went this route, we would still get to be pregnant, I would get to have a baby, to nurse a baby, to have all those first moments with a child. We could be much more in control of the in-utero experience and no one could change their minds at the last minute.

Chris and I started researching and set up an appointment to meet with our fertility doctor to discuss this option. We had many long conversations. Chris felt like the ultimate decision was more up to me because I have always talked about how I wanted our baby to look like him. I felt like the decision was more up to him because he would be giving up the dream of having his biological child.

We spoke with our doctor, and he encouraged us to consider sperm donation as a viable route. It is much more cost effective than IVF, which I will discuss later. He said he has no reason to think that we won't be pregnant in 1-3 times of doing insemination with a donor.

That night, we talked a lot and cried a lot. It is a heart-breaking decision to come to. Ultimately, however, we have decided this is the right path for us. We want to be parents to raise a child in this world, not to merely have a child that looks like us. We will be this child's parents. We will still look at this child and know that we made him or her.

Why did we come to this decision over IVF? First and foremost, it is the decision that we believe is the most financially responsible for our family. We did do an online fundraiser and are so grateful to everyone who donated. If you donated and would like us to return your money, since we won't be doing IVF, please contact us. We will return your donation with no hard feelings!

Donor insemination isn't cheap. Each vial costs $675 and each round of insemination costs around $150-200. There are also shipping and storage charges as well. While this isn't inexpensive, it pales in comparison to the $13,000 needed for a fresh and frozen cycle of IVF. Donor insemination also gives us a much better chance of being able to have another child in the future. Once we are pregnant, we will order a few extra vials to be used in the future for a genetic sibling.

The process is pretty easy. We used a very reputable sperm bank to choose a donor. We researched what kind of people are accepted and only 1% of applicants make it through the screening process. We were able to screen donors by physical appearance, medical history for them and their family members, as well as reading essays that they wrote. Once we have ordered vials, the bank will ship them directly to our doctor. When we are ready, I will do clomid (oral medication) and have an ultrasound to make sure my eggs are looking good :) As our doctor said, "I won't unfreeze expensive sperm if you're eggs aren't great". Then, I will give myself one shot the night before we are inseminated. We will go in, and just like previous insemination with Chris' sperm, a small amount of sperm will be injected into my uterus. In 2 weeks, we will know if we are pregnant. There is a small risk of multiples, but only 2-3% higher than natural conception.

We have decided to wait until May to move forward with this process. We have been doing Weight Watchers since mid-January and want to lose some weight before we get pregnant. We are walking the Flying Pig Half Marathon on May 6th and will be inseminated later that month. It will also be good timing with school--if we do get pregnant, I won't have to be in school during the first early months of sickness and fatigue!

When we made this decision, there were 2 other immediate decisions we had to make. First, would we tell our child about this? We quickly decided that we will absolutely tell our child about this process. We don't think this will be appropriate until they are older, but we think it's important for them to know. Second, would we tell our friends? It was a no-brainer that we would tell our parents. We are so grateful that they all are supporting us in this decision and have been nothing but understanding. When it came to our friends, however, we knew it was it our business to keep quiet if we wanted to. The reason we are sharing with you is because we do not feel ashamed about our decision and don't want it to seem as if we are keeping a secret. We have let everyone into this process for our whole journey, and it would feel strange not to be open and honest about this too. We hope that other couples who might be experiencing infertility can find strength in our story and know that you are not alone.

If you have questions about the process, feel free to talk to us. We are open about this process and willing to share. Thanks for your understanding and support - it means so much to know that so many of you are praying for us.

GiveForward

Since our negative blood results, Chris and I have been researching funding options for a final round of IVF.

Before our frozen round, we both felt that we could live happy lives even if we never have a baby. While I still know this to be true, I am not ready to give up. I want to feel the way I felt for the week when we were pregnant. I want that feeling again so badly, and I am not ready to say goodbye to it forever. 

That said, we cannot afford to try invitro one more time. Although our doctor has given us a $1000 grant, we are still far away from the $10,000 needed. 

So I have researched grants, scholarships, clinical trials etc. And while we have applied for a few grants, I also found a website called GiveForward. This site allows you to create a fundraising page and gives others the opportunity to donate. I have really checked it out and it is legit. You can donate using a credit or debit card and it can be anonymous. Although it feels weird, we have decided to create a page for people to use. 

We in no way want people to feel obligated, we just want to open the doors for those who might be interested. 

More than money, please keep prayers coming. We need them now more than ever. Love you all. 

Click here for our fundraising page

Next Steps

I thought I'd fill everyone in on what has happened since Tuesday.

Chris and I, as well as many of you, are still kind of stunned I think. We are trying to process what has happened, but it's difficult. I did go to the doctor for a repeat blood test and my levels are dropping significantly, which is good because it means I won't need a DNC or anything like that.

I had a long talk with my doctor and he said although it might seem like a bad thing that I lost the pregnancy, scientifically, it is a very good sign that I was pregnant at all. He said that is very positive for future attempts. One thing I thought was interesting was that he said when you use medical intervention to go from infertile to fertile, you experience the entire range of fertility, which includes women losing pregnancies very early on. That happens to many fertile women. He said there is always a possibility, however small, that we can get pregnant on our own so we won't stop trying naturally. He said we can try insemination a few more times if we want, but with Chris' numbers, it is difficult for him to say if it increases our chances 10% or 2% or anywhere inbetween. He did say that he thinks IVF is the right road for us, and he understands the financial burden of that commitment. He said he often feels guilty that he can't help out his patients more, but he did give us a $1,000 grant that is good for one year.

In light of all this news, Chris and I are trying to come up with a plan. I am someone who needs to know where we are heading. So we have decided to do some research on funding options for the next few months, but we are committed to finding a way to do one more cycle of IVF within the next year. We are not ready to give up on the process or on having a biological child.

I will continue to update the blog periodically as we move forward down whatever path we take. I cannot thank everyone enough for their kind words, prayers and support. While it has been difficult to tell people that we lost the pregnancy, we honestly can't imagine going through this without all of you. Thank you.