As many of you already know, Chris and I got the news yesterday that we are not pregnant. We had told everyone that our blood test would be today Aug 6, but really it was scheduled for yesterday morning. We lied because we wanted to still be able to surprise everyone with what we hoped would be good news. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.
Monday I started spotting but the doctor said that could be a good sign. As the week continued I continued to bleed and by Thursday it was pretty heavy. I was pretty confident that we weren't pregnant, but obviously held out some hope in my heart that I was wrong.
When we went for the blood test I explained to the nurse that I had been bleeding so she went ahead and wrote me the prescriptions I would need if we decided to do a frozen cycle with our 2 frozen embryos right away. Earlier in the week Chris and I had talked about what we would do if we weren't pregnant. We thought waiting for a while would be a good idea. However, after leaving the doctor's office in tears, we talked about it again. Chris said he wanted to go for it right now as long as there was no reason not to. He asked if I was emotionally ready to handle it again and I said I was. When we got the news for sure, we decided to go ahead and start a frozen cycle right away.
What does that mean? Well, I am on a new medication--a pill--3 times a day. I started it today. This pill will build up the lining of my uterus and stop me from ovulating this month. On Aug 15 (happy birthday to me) I will have an ultrasound to check on how my uterus is developing and to check hormone levels in my blood. Aug 23 will be our transfer. There is a small possibility that 1 or both of the embryos will not survive the thawing process. However, since our embryos were frozen as blastocysts or 100 celled embryos instead of 7 celled embryos, they are very strong and should survive just fine. We won't know for sure until the morning of the transfer.
Our next blood test is Sept 6. No tricks this time, I don't think we can keep a secret twice! That is the Tuesday after labor day and I am already taking Friday off work to go to Chicago for my sister's wedding. Instead of taking that Tuesday off to sit around and wait for results all day, I'll go give the blood in the morning, and ask them not to call us until after 3pm. Chris will leave work a little early and we will meet at home to get the results together.
I can't really explain what I'm feeling now. Yesterday I told my mom that I felt like I had a miscarriage. I don't mean to be disrespectful to anyone who has experienced that, but that's how I felt because the embryos were real this time. It wasn't just pretending that there could be embryos in there. They were there. I told Chris that I already loved them so much and to lose them is the worst feeling I have ever felt. I feel like my body has betrayed me. I was supposed to be okay... I was supposed to make this process work. I failed. I feel like I have let Chris down and everyone who has been supporting us. One some level I know that is crazy, but it's truly how I feel. I am unbelievably scared about moving forward because this is truly our last chance. If this doesn't work, I honestly don't know where we will go from here. I truly believed we were going to be pregnant and it's scary to find that belief again.
Today I am happy that we decided to move forward with a frozen cycle. The IVF nurse I spoke with yesterday said a lot of people have success with moving directly into a frozen cycle. She said sometimes your body just needs a couple chances to understand what to do. I hope my body gets the memo this time. I think if we had waited we would just spend every second thinking about it. Now we will know for sure in a month and will have lots to keep us busy in the meantime.
We thought about not telling people that we were doing a frozen cycle right away. However, all your love and support has been so amazing through this process, we knew we couldn't do it without you! We know that there is a plan for our family--at least I hope there is--we just can't see it now. We love you all.
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